New Year, Old Issues

I'm tired...I'm cranky...I'm in a fog. This can describe most days from this past few months. Yes, I have a new baby and yes, it's been an adjustment. That doesn't make it suck any less.

Paige has been in and out of our room a few times and we've figured out that the girls are just going to keep waking each other up so they can't realistically share a room. Now we're stuck looking for another place for the band to practice so we can move our room downstairs, Loren into our room and Paige into Loren's room. This will involve work to make the basement a livable bedroom (to my standards) and more work painting the master bedroom and Loren's old room. We also need to finish the bathroom downstairs...it needs a new toilet and a shower or tub (I'm voting for soaking tub...) and the floor tiled. So, nargh, lots of stuff to do before we're all in our places where we need to be.

Right now neither of the girls will go to sleep and I'm ready to take off and not come back for a few days...abandonment is okay as long as it's imaginary, right? Actually, I know that one day I'll be pining for the times when my babies were babies and needed me to rock them and kiss their owies. My son is growing up way too fast...I'm trying to keep my girls little as long as possible. I know it's a futile endeavor, yet the meaning is in the trying, I think.

This home-maker thing isn't going so well, either. I'm not organized, I'm not energetic and I'm not enjoying my job. Normally, I'd be looking for a new place to work, one that met my needs, provided the benefits and pay I stipulated and fulfilled my desires. This job, however, can't be done by anyone else and the only one who can change it and make it better is me. Well, no, God, through me. But I'm in this fog and focusing on myself and that makes it hard to give myself to others. But with kids, you gotta step up or your gonna ruin other human beings. Bringing your best means everyone will have a better day. It's just a choice that can be hard to make when you're exhausted and feeling sorry for yourself at six a.m. and you have to decide to get up now and be ready for the day or go back to sleep and let everything get out of control.

It's also admitting that the reason why things are so hard is because I'm making them that way with my choices. Boo. It all comes back to my desire to fulfill my own needs first...needs that aren't really needs but wants. I know that God can carry me through a day on six hours of sleep and will even provide me with an opportunity to nap if needed, yet I still will go back to bed instead of getting up. It's stupid.

I found a few websites with people who talk about their schedules and stuff and how they wrote out daily schedules for themselves to get everything they needed to do done. I think that's a fabulous idea and want to try it. We'll see how it goes...

A new baby on deck, gall stones up to bat...

This is very confusing for me...because I had in mind that carrying another entire person inside myself and dealing with all the icky and painful stuff that can go along with that was enough. However, this whole gall bladder stone thing is adding huge insult to injury and I can't help but think along the lines of my son when he doesn't get his way and say, "This isn't fair!!"



I had an attack two weeks in a row, both on a Thursday. The first one was more frustrating than anything else because it started at 2am and forced us to wake the kids up at 4am, pack them in the car, drive to the hospital where my mom met us, transfer them to her car so she could bring them back home and then check into triage at the Women's Pavilion at Providence in Everett. The frustrating thing was that as soon as we pulled into the parking lot, the pain stopped. I couldn't believe it. All that for an attack that lasted 2 hours and I still had to go in and be monitored to make sure the baby was okay and that I wasn't having contractions. Brad missed a day of work and the kids' whole schedule was messed up for a week.



So the next Thursday when I felt the attack coming on, I was skeptical about trying to go in. This time though, it came on hard really fast. It was about 5:45pm, I had just gotten home from picking Loren up at a friend's house and knew immediately what was happening. (Last time it was painful in different places but found out later it was because of how displaced everything is because of the baby.) Within about a half an hour I was in really bad pain. So we took the kids to our awesome friend/neighbor's house and headed to the hospital again, this time to the ER instead of triage @ the women's place. The car ride was miserable...this was the worst attack ever out of the 7 others I have had. I have never experienced this amount of pain ever in my entire life. I waited in the ER lobby for about an hour surrounded by mostly moms with kids who were sick or hurt. I was trying so hard to be quiet and not sob and I think I did a good job. I was expecting for it to start to get better and hanging on to that hope. After talking with the triage nurse, who was really nice and explained how things worked to Brad as far as getting us in, I only had to wait a few more minutes before being taken to a room. They gave me the room in the very back all my myself, which was good, because the pain got worse from there.



I just want to make an attempt to explain the pain, but I don't think I can. I have nothing to compare it to except labor, but the only time I was actually in labor was 6 years ago and my first attack ever was worse than that, so this could be described as exponentially worse than labor pain. As far as comparing it to broken bones or getting shot or something, I've never had anything like that happen to me.



I was crying out in pain, sobbing and begging for it to stop. I kept telling Brad "I can't do this, I can't do this anymore!" I remember thinking I was going to pass out. I was delirious from pain. I took another hour for the ER people to get my blood, place an IV and order drugs. That last hour was torture. It didn't get better, it got worse. I couldn't even pray, I kept thinking I needed to tell Brad to pray for me but I couldn't hold on to that thought enough to vocalize it. It was like my access to my own spirit was hindered. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but there it is.



The nurses were so great, one of them was an older lady, older but hip, you know with cool short spiky hair and stuff. She got a wash cloth and wiped my tears and told me I could make it through, it would be over soon. I'll never forget her. The other one was probably my age and she was calm in the storm. She tried to get the IV in my right arm but it didn't work, so she switched to my left and got it in...but the whole time I'm agonizing, moaning and crying and she just concentrated on what she had to do so she could get me my meds quickly. She quietly told me she was sorry, the whole, I know, I know kind of talk, calm but not sickly sweet or fake. I had hoped that the amount of pain I was in would make the IV feel like nothing, but I think when you're in that state all your nerves are on fire, because the IV was still painful and I was suddenly worried that the nurse with the washcloth on my face would catch it on my nose ring and pull it out, which hurts like a son of a gun.



The doctor was nice, a kind of hippie looking dude, again a calm presence yet he wanted to make darn sure that I was sure I was having a gall stone and not having a baby in his ER. Both Brad and I assured him that we were POSITIVE of what it was. He was happy to have a patient that wasn't at all wishy washy about what was happening to her.



The nurse finally came back in and placed about 5 syringes full of meds at the end of my bed. Anti-vomiting med (although I had already thrown up in a nifty little transportable clear vomit bag...nothing like throwing up and having to look at it and hold it in your lap...) an acid reducer, something else I can't remember, and the ultimate, the pain med. I can't remember what it's called...duadanem or something weird, but it works as fast as she puts in in the IV. Last time it knocked almost all the pain out, but this time it took another hour for the pain to go all the way away. But the relief was almost ethereal. To be able to breathe again, to be able to relax my body finally after 3 hours of terrible pain...it was the true, TRUE meaning of relief.



The doctor ordered another ultrasound of my gall bladder and unfortunately there was another 6mm stone that hadn't passed. The good news is that the gall bladder wasn't inflamed or otherwise sick looking, which meant that an emergency c-section in order to perform and emergency gall bladder-ectomy didn't have to take place. However, now I feel like I have a ticking time bomb floating inside me just waiting to give me another attack. Here is the bad news: 1. The meds for dissolving stones aren't safe during pregnancy.

2. It's not possible to move the c-section sooner to get me closer to having my gall bladder out.

3. I have to eat an extremely bland, low fat diet from now until I get the stinkin' thing out, which could be 2-3 months after I have the baby on 7/11/07. This means I still have to get 60 grams of protein a day without consuming very much fat....translate: skinless chicken, fat free milk, fat free yogurt and lots of Kashi cereal plus fruit and veggies. That's it. Really.



So after all of this drama, I have realized and reflected on a few things. One of them is that I am more amazed than ever at all the people who have been tortured for their faith and not recanted. Most people don't think about this, but Christians all over the world in places like North Korea, China, Iraq and Iran are currently in jail being tortured to deny their faith. There are also many great books that tell the stories of people in the past who have been put through agony in order to get them to stop believing in Jesus Christ and accept whatever belief their country held to, namely Communism. Take the time to find out more about this, whether you are a Christian or not, because human rights should be important to all of us. Here are a few links...



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3993857.stm

http://www.persecution.com/



I honestly don't know...If I had been in that amount of pain in some dark jail somewhere and they told me they would stop the pain if I just recanted my faith...it would be a lie of course, because freedom comes from Christ and not from someone saying you have it. I just don't know. I guess that's when the supernatural comes into play, the ability to endure things you didn't think you could because of the gift of faith and the Spirit inside us holding us up. It isn't from ourselves, not how strong or tough we are. Nonetheless, I have been pondering it all since experiencing such agonizing pain.



I also have been having slight panic attacks thinking about the possibility of going through that again. I cried for 2 days after just thinking about it. So I have had to really give it over to God and pray for faith, which is new for me because I usually am able to move on immediately and let it go right away.



I guess this experience has really caused me to reflect on some things I took for granted so much before. I was really in a spiritual rut and focused so much on other things. If God was trying to get my attention, well, he certainly has it now. I am committed now to praying for the persecuted and also have renewed energy to write letters to the soldier in Iraq that we 'adopted'. Again, whether or not you agree with the war, adopting a soldier is a great way to support the individual and not necessarily the cause. You just write letters and send a care package every month or so. The soldiers on the lists are ones without much family or support from home. You can just type 'adopt a soldier' into Google and a few sites come up you can sign up on. Focusing on individual people instead of causes or belief systems is so much easier because it makes it less about you and more about loving others.

So that's my story of the week. I'm still struggling with worry over having another attack, but with friend's and family's prayers I hope that will get better.

The baby will be here in eleven days!!! I've been nesting like crazy and it's wonderful...until I over do it and have to be told to take it easy. I'm so excited to meet Paige and it will be so cool to see Kaeleigh's reaction. She doesn't understand what' s going on, I've been telling her I have a baby in my tummy but I don't think that's something she can grasp really. She does seem to understand that a baby is coming from somewhere, because she's looking at all the stuff for Paige and saying, "Baby?" So that will be super fun, having her see the actual baby and learning that it's her sister. Loren is an out of sight, out of mind kind of fella, I think he'll be pretty enamoured by her when she's here, since he's older this time and has a better idea of the miracle that babies are. All in all, looking forward, forward all the time with hopes for safe delivery and fast recovery.

Stuff

So I'm posting when I should be sleeping but I have this awesome thing called pregnancy induced insomnia. I'm soooooooo very tired but can't sleep. Ug.

Church today was great...we had a lot of people there. Lots of new people and a few faces we know but hadn't seen at DR before. One of our new pastor's spoke for the first time and it was a great talk...I learned some stuff I didn't know and he did a great comparison of the Jewish Passover lamb and Jesus. It is amazing to me how much of the Old Testement law and reqirements for things like the Passover lamb totally reflect who Jesus was so many years later...

Brad opened up the first music set with a nice and loud version of U2's Beautiful Day and then played 2 songs he wrote. The second set was rockin' too, with some quieter moments in between for reflection...In Christ Alone was amazing. The creshendo at the part of the song lyrics talking about Christ's triumph over death was perfect...the entire congregation responded and it was very moving.

On the home front, we finally went through our pictures and decorations and put some stuff on the walls! The house looks great and it feels good and almost complete now. We've still got some organizing to do but it is coming along nicely. When we have some extra money (yeah right...) I am hoping to get a nice curtain rod for the living room and decent curtains, but that will probably have to wait until this summer when I get some extra birthday money or something.

Our 6th anniversary is this weekend! My parent's are taking the kids from friday at 11am until sunday evening. We are having a weekend away at home...friday we may paint the bedroom and Saturday we will re-create our first date and go to Laconnor and then out to dinner. I am just really looking foward to relaxing together, taking naps when we want, sleeping in on Saturday and only having to get myself ready on Sunday morning! Yay! It will be a much needed break and a nice time for it before I get too big to do anything fun.

The baby-in-utero is doing well. She's a girl if you haven't heard yet and she's moving around a ton now. We still don't have a name, so if anyone has any suggestions we are willing to hear them out! She will be born the last week of June via c-section hopefully at Providence if my insurance kicks in this week. Otherwise I'll have to deliver with my community health center doctor at Cascade in Arlington which would suck...I love my doctor there but that hospital is not equipped at all for neo-natal intensive care so if there is any kind of emergency they will have to move the baby to a hospital in SEATTLE! Stupid! So pray that insurance is approved so I can see my Providence doctor that delivered Kaeleigh, since he knows all of my previous complications and such.

Kaeleigh is walking like a champ now and I even got her first steps on video! Yay! It is the cutest little walk and she still falls on her hiney a lot but she's a trooper and never gets frustrated. I get so many compliments on how good she is, like in child care at church. I'm so blessed to have had 2 kids be such good babies, my mom is rooting for me to have a colicky screamer this time so I know what she went through with me. Thanks mom, but I had some issues having been adopted and in foster care for 6 weeks with an old lady who gave me orange juice (a newborn...orange juice? Crazy lady...) made me cry myself to sleep at night. So no wonder I was a crier! This one will be great, even if she is a handful, simply because she will be our last...tubes will be tied after she is delivered! Not so say we won't adopt an infant ever but this is the last biological baby to grow in my innards. I am so ready to be done with pregnancy!

Loren is doing good in school, but we put in for the lottery for him to go to the co-op next year instead. He'll get more one on one instruction with the parent volunteers and be able to cultivate his strengths and work more on his weaknesses. I really hope he gets in. It will be a struggle to find someone to watch the babies once a week so I can fullfill the mandatory 2 1/2 hours of volunteer time but it should be worth it. If anyone feels like babysitting a 3 month old and a 21 month old for 3 hours once a week next school year, let me know! It would be in exchange for home-made apple pie and cookies...

Well, the dog has accosted most of my side of the bed and Sprite is snoring on brad's stomach...it's all making me pretty drowsy. Night!

Oh my gosh...I cannot stop laughing....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDxBUoCN6MQ

Someone on Cat's links has this posted and I lauged so hard...

Don't censor me!

I am getting so sick and tired of people trying to tell other people what to think and believe. So I have this to say:

1. Stop expecting others to act the way you do if they don't believe the same things you do. Just don't expect it...it's not going to happen. They don't want you to 'change their minds' anymore than you want them to try to change yours. If you don't have a relationship with someone you have no right to comment on their beliefs or lifestyle. If you do and you are genuinely worried about their lives, then speak to them in love about why it worries you. Then, let it go. You are not in control of anyone's actions. Unless someone is doing something illegal, neither is the government. PERIOD.

2. Just like in feminism, any large issue that starts out with good intentions can swing too far to the other side. It is not okay to have felt oppression by being censored and then attempt to censor others in return. It makes no sense. Well, it does, because we are all hypocrites at some level. However, each and every person in this country has a right to express their opinions as loud as they wish. If we accepted this then maybe we would't gasp so loud when someone says something contrary to what we believe. We also wouldn't think such harsh things about them just because they think differently than we do. I'm sick of hearing people say things like President Bush is evil or that rap is an unredeemable form of music no matter what the lyrics say. It's just retarded. And I do mean mentally handicapped. It's like people are unable to accept that others see things differently than they do, like that part of their brain that allows for rationalization and seeing the other side of things has been permanately injured. Don't hate someone for hating you. You'll just end up on the same level of shifting sand they are on.
Let me end by saying something that may be shocking to some people. There are many people in this country who believe in something called Absolute Truth. This belief, at it's very least, promotes the idea that there are moral guidelines that apply to each and every human being on this earth. No matter what. This is the opposite of Post-Modernism or subjective truth, that says that each person makes up their own truth and they alone make the rules for their own little universe. These people cannot stand up and say that cutting the arms off a baby is inherantly wrong, because it is only wrong to them and they cannot tell someone else what is wrong for them. This belief cannot be a part of a country like ours, because we rely on people to hold to the truths of the Constitution as fact and undeniable. If you don't believe that anyone has any right to tell you what is right or wrong for you then you need to move some place where anarchy is acceptable and don't mind living in between a lady who is married to her 40 cats and a guy who tortures cats for fun.

We can take this too far and begin imposing right and wrong in very subjective places like who you can love and all that through our government. However, if someone believes that the Bible is true, then they have every right to hold to the belief that things like homosexuality and adultry and pre-marital sex are wrong because that is what the Bible says. They do not have the right to impose that belief on people who do not think that the Bible is true. If someone claims to believe the Bible yet picks and chooses what they like out of it and throws away what they don't like then they either are lying when they speak of their belief or they have not actually studied the Bible at any length.

In any event, don't censor me, damn it, just because I believe that there is a heaven and one way to get there. Don't make assumptions about me or others like me for what we believe. I don't care what other stupid people have done, we are not them and they are not us.

Tagged

Brett tagged me for this and I haven't blogged in forever, so here goes...

Here are the rules:
The game: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs!

Ug...ten?! This may take a while...

1. I used to ride horses...a lot. In Maryland I showed and all that stuff and was pretty fearless. I did english and loved to do show jumping (a course of jumps you are timed and get points deducted for missing jumps or knocking down poles) and cross-country (a mile or so of jumps on trails...you are timed.) I loved it...but I fell off one day for a really stupid reason and got really hurt, messed up my hip. When we moved here I really didn't ride anymore. I tried, but couldn't get over the fear. It sucked.

2. I have an unnatural fear of the dark. If the power goes out unexpectedly at night I freeze up. If there is any chance of it going out I light candles and carry the flashlight around with me everywhere. I hate camping because I almost always have to walk to the bathroom at night and it scares me to death.

3. I like anchovies. Not alone, but on stuff...pizza, etc. In fact, I'm having steamed rice with cut up anchovies in it for dinner...I just can't really look at them while I'm eating them.

4. I'm a wanna be artist who has a fear of color.

5. I have never been able to understand why people have loved me.

6. I am adopted. If I ever found out I was the product of rape or inscest I would find my birth-mother and tell her she is my hero.

7. I blow my nose in the shower...like, every time. I know...gross.

8. I am very protective of my husband and it is very hard for me not to get really angry at people who hurt him or who have hurt him.

9. According to my husband I am witty.

10. I really don't mind commuting. I don't have to anymore, but when I did I kind of liked the solitude.

I tag Kandra and since only 3 other people will read this, if you read this and you haven't done it then TAG!

The Antethesis

One of the things Christianity (real, biblical Christianity, not fake, look at me I go to church and vote republican "christianity") teaches is the abandonment of self and, in replacement, service to others. This is something our culture forgets. It seems to me that most of us either make one of two common choices: Give money and live our lives as usual or put the responsibility to do something on someone else. (i.e. government, programs, charities, etc.) Why is this? The Bible is clear that our mission on this speed bump before eternity is to serve others. Are we even reading our Bibles?

I know I'm not...

When I do, like tonight, for instance, I read things I don't want to know about. Ignorance is bliss. But I truly desire to know God, to serve His purpose and live my life according to what He says is best for me. In order to do this I must pursue Him through prayer and reading the amazing, loving text He left for me.

So in the passages I read tonight He makes clear, through Paul, that where I am now is exactly where He wants me to be. Not as punishment or because I am a lowly woman who deserves nothing more than to be a housewife. But because He has this plan for me. One that is better than anything I could ever plan for myself.

This, in itself, is the rub. I must let everything I wish for myself go and trust in this plan completely. The Antithesis of what everything in popular culture tells me:

"Whatever energy you send out is what you will bring back to yourself...you are the master of your destiny!"

"You can have it all! Work full time, be a good mom and a good wife...you can do it! Ignore that guilt that is in you and be happy with parenting on the evenings and weekends! Ignore the seething fatigue plaguing you...you can do it!"

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

All of these ideas come from one central idea that we are first. We make our own truth, we make our own future, we make our own heaven and we make our own hell. We are first. So why are so many people still miserable? Why is the suicide rate for the uppper class higher than any other?

If we are in complete control, what is holding people back in their lives? Why will The Secret only work for the short term? Because we all suck, and none of us brings anything to the table. We are dead and in need of restoration. So the person who buys into things like the secret will convince themselves for a while...but shortly they will realize that life is still missing something.

Whatever could it be?

Its been so long....

I never have any idea if anyone in the world ever reads what I write...but I guess it is a good way of being able to look back and reflect on stuff later, just for me...hhhhmmmm...

I has been so long, and I really prefer to blog on here instead of myspace. Seems more grown up. I am trying hard to stick to a bed time so I can get up and go to bed at the same time every day. This is for my sanity but even more for the well being of my son who has a tendancy to have a bad day if I start it out being a cranky poop. All that to say that it is hard to get on here and write because I'm usually busy doing other things, should be busy doing other things or too sick or tired to sit up and type. I'm making excuses to myself...b zar.

So an update on how the pregnancy is going should be in order...well, lets see...

Found out about this baby in November...it was a total surprise. Not intended but definately wanted. I was a bit down about it at first...I've always looked at parents who have a kid under 2 and a baby and think "How the heck do they do it?" and I never thought I could. But here we are, new baby due in July and Kaeleigh will be 21 months old. It really didn't even get real for me until the ultrasound last week. But I am very excited now and Kaeleigh and this little girl are going to be close enough in age to be great friends (and later enemies!) and they can share a room and all that.

In December after Christmas I had an acute attack of gall bladder stones. Brad was working somewhere in Seattle and I was home alone with the kids. I had to call a friend to drive me to the hospital, have someone watch my kids and then take them overnight. My friend Caylin was with me in the ER after I had been alone for about 3 hours in severe pain. I finally got some good pain medication IV after about 5 hours in absolute agony. I can honestly say it was worse than labor pains. This was my FIFTH attach in the last 9 years and they finally were able to diagnose me properly, even though I knew the whole time what it was.

So, I have battled nausea, the inability to eat, and upper abdominal pain for the past 15 weeks and the last ultrasound showed I have many more stones again. Yay! I get to wait for the next sneak attack of stones and go back to the ER for medication. It is stupid...I wish they could just prescribe me something really strong to take at home for them, but that would be illegal I think because dang, that was some goooood stuff.

I have scheduled c-sections so this time we are going to take my stupid gall bladder out at the same time and I'm going to ask them to put it in a jar for me so when I'm recovered I can throw it down, stomp on it and then put it in the path of the nearest freight train.

Splat!!!!

In better news, the baby is healthy and I can already feel her moving around in there! I am trying to remember every moment since this will be my last pregnancy. (I'm also having my tubes tied at the same time as the c-section.)

It will all be over soon and that is what I keep telling myself over and over! And, unlike cancer or some other sickness, I get a baby out of the deal!

Learning from the Cheat--Sept 10

Sunday, September 10, 2006

I am surrounded by chaos. I am supposed to be packing but instead I am sitting here, staring into space and occasionally my lap top and listening to my cat snore. I am overwhelmed.
Here is a list of everything that has gone on in the last 3 weeks:
1. We sold our home.2. We purchased a new home.3. Our very good friends got married.4. Loren had his first day of kindgarten.5. Brad played one of his own songs at church on our last official day there.6. We had our first official sunday meeting of Damascus Road Church.7. We are leaving on Friday for California for 10 days.8. I have not gone to bed before 2am in a week.9. I have not gotten up after 8am in a month.10. We aquired a new little kitten and named him 'The Cheat'.All that to say, life is amazing and I am trying very hard to keep it together. Hearing Brad's song today was superb. I've been hearing it simply on an acoustic guitar for a while, but today, with it arranged with perfect dynamics and piano and drums and tambs and bass, it was a poinent moment. He is so talented. And all he wished to do with it is give it all to God.

And then there is The Cheat. It was endearing to watch this little nugget of a kitten go from being terrified and hissing and peeing his kitty pants with fear to running around perfectly acclamated and meowing at my feet for attention. He adores the dog, which is of course so cute. His full name is Steve The Cheat. If you've been around Brad in the last few months you know why it's Steve. If you've ever seen Homestar Runner, you know why The Cheat. If you don't check out http://www.homestarrunner.com/ It's hi-larious! The transfomation from feral to domesticated reminds me of how it works with God. We fight and bite and run away not knowing that we are missing out on amazing love and affection. I had him in this big box and I would reach in to take out his food bowl or clean up a mess and he would back into the corner and hiss. But I ignored him and did what I had to do, and brought back a bowl full of food. And he would hiss again. I would have to pick him up and put him right in fromt of the food dish. He would be so scared and tense, then when he realized what was happening he'd relax and stuff his face and purr. But over time he realized that being touched wasn't so bad, and then one day he just let it go and hopped right over to me purring and ready to be pet. And now he gets love anytime he wants it, has a full belly and a warm place to nap. He's taken care of. And God does the same for us. Even when we don't know it we are receiving his blessing and are a part of his sovereignty. But when we realize it and let go we are blessed a million fold from what we could be on our own. We don't have to worry about a thing because he's in charge. It's not a promise that bad things won't happen or hard times won't come, but that when they do we will be held and loved and able to find joy even then. I need to go now to become Pack Master K and blow this popcicle stand. I didn't think I'd be sad at all to leave this house, but it is a little bit hard. We have the door jamb with Loren's height charted on it for the past 3 years. That's hard to leave. But it is a new adventure and we're excited to be on it! peace out, yo.

Aug 22 post from my other blog...enjoy!!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Life is so much harder when you can't just think about yourself...
You don't know it when you are young or single or just married without kids...you have no idea at all.
I didn't.
I look back now and think...ARGH! I was such an idiot. I had no clue how good I had it.
To only have one person to worry about...or even only one person in addition to yourself, as is the case in marriage.
I remember being single for the first time in 4 years...I was 20 and I felt so free. I lived alone and loved my job and that's all I had to worry about. For that brief blink in time I could have dated anyone, gone anywhere, done anything. It was gone sooooo fast.
I don't regret anything...not at all. But I write this so that others who are experiencing that brief blink in time can appreciate it. That they can understand what a unique, amazing time it is. Even if you never plan on getting married or having kids, some day you will be married to something. Your home, your family, your friends...something will root you deeply into itself and you will be hardpressed to be released from it.
But if, for now, you are a seed on the wind, not yet planted, take this time you have before growing your roots and love it for all it is. Don't pine after things that may be beyond your control or even your grasp. Hope for the things of the future but do not allow yourself to be controlled by the desire for what you currently don't have.
Because you will look back...and if you have spent all of your time looking foward and none looking to the now, you will wish you had realized the time for what it was.

Gramma throws the wildest parties!!

We're at Gramma's house and have had a blast today. We had a wedding earlier, my cousin Jared got hitched at 2pm this afternoon. I actually felt pretty in my black Old Navy dress and Brad thought so too. Then we came back to Gramma's and met up with my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins from both sides and we had a blast!

Tomorrow we'll have a laid back morning and then drive to Disney Land and check in to the hotel. We'll relax by the pool and go to Toon Town. It should be fun!

The kids have been amazing. Flying with them was just fine and it's been awesome just seeing them bond and be loved on by the family. Sweet.

Stupid Mortgages!!

I guess in the mortgage business it's a-okay to say one thing and then do another.

We're rarin' to go, to hurry up and get into our new house before we trek to Mr. Mouse's house on the 16th. We also have the added weight of having to be out of our current home by the 12th. So we go to sign papers today on the sale of our home, and BOOM!!! Big speed bump. They got the commissions all wrong and there is the matter of a $4,280 excise tax that our mortgage company failed to mention. So we're looking at the total of what we're making from the sale of our house and it's barely cutting the mustard. We were told we would have the amount we needed down and ten grand in our pockets. Now it's looking like we will have more like three grand, which is enough to cover the taxes and insurance for the first year and a half and then maybe do all of the things needed, like replace the water heater and fix a sink, etc. We were hoping so much to have the money to get all projects out of the way and indulge in new lighting fixtures, finish the down stairs bathroom and all that. But now we're not sure. So here we hang in limbo and we're just waiting to see the light!!

Oh, there's the phone call from the title people...it's not as bad as we thought, but we're still not getting about $5000. Great. Well, we have a new home and I guess that is what is important.

Tripped Out

I feel old....real old. Not like, hey I'm a granny, someone get me my depends. More like, crap, I'm not a teenager or even a twenty-something any more. I'm an almost thirty mom who says things like "Get that helicopter out of your pants!" and "Babe, I'm really not seeing sex in the morning happening in like, the next 6 years." So what makes me feel old is that I'm even thinking about my age. And I'm seeing all of these people who I knew so long ago, and their having kids and getting married and traveling the world. I've been there, done that....what's next, what's new for me?
Then, I get an epiphany...a dose of the truth. And it's a doozy...
It's not about me.
Yeah, my life is not about me. I've been wondering why the heck I constantly question what it is I'm doing and why it matters. Our culture bombards women with the message that you can be a mom and wife and that's all great, but don't waste your entire life on just that!! Go to school, get a degree, get a job and for God's sake contribute something of worth to this world!! Here I am, thinking, yes! You're right!! Changing poopy diapers and doing laundry ain't cutting it!! I need to get out there. Shift my focus off my family alone and spread the wealth of my wonderous abilities with the masses.
But here in lies the problem. My life should not be about sharing myself with others in order to fulfill myself and make myself feel worth something. I am a Christian. So what does the Bible say about my calling in life?
1. If I am a wife, my first priority (after God) is to my husband. I need to make sure that everything I do supports and enables my husband to do whatever job God has given him to do. And not only to do it well, but to excel.
"Great," I think. "I'm nothing more than a walking servant slash doormat that has to serve and cater to my husband?" Well, no. Because if my man is in line with the Word, and being the husband that God fully requires him to be, he would be treating me with the utmost respect, adoration and love that Jesus has for us...in that he would die for me, fully forsaking himself to give me life. So support and equality go hand in hand with my role. I am to respect and support him in return.
It makes so much sense...yet it is hard to admit that I can find joy in my daily life by being in a supporting role and not in the lead. But I guess it's better to follow God than my own, lame, selfish desires...
Well, a baby is crying and a little boy is trying to get the dog to go down the slide...it's the story of my life!

Depression

It's frustratingly simple. I didn't want to be fine. I wanted to sit and stare or sleep every chance I got. I didn't want to get up and do laundry or wash dishes or see friends. I am having to admit at this moment that my post-partum depression was healed and I didn't want it to be. I didn't have an excuse anymore.
I should have been happy. Joyous. Excited. To realize suddenly one day that I wasn't looking through life through dark sunglasses anymore. The herbal remedy I was hoping would work, because it is affordable and without side effects, actually was. It got me able to summit the mountain I had been trudging up two steps only to slide back 3. I was at the top. The view should of been beautiful.
Only, it wasn't. I have read a lot about depression, especially post partum depression. I felt like I knew my foe. I prayed for God to lead me to the right thing to help. I was given several verses about overcoming obsticals with help from others. So I researched medicines, natural and man-made and talked with friends who have suffered. Not having health insurance, I decided to try the natural medication I thought had the best reviews, safety and price. Great. It came in the mail. Good. I took it every day for a couple of weeks. Hope started to stream in instead of just trickle. Wonderful.
Except in surmounting my counter attack I didn't realize that I would inevitably be forced to see the casualties of this battle. And from the mountain top, boy do you have a clear view of the world around you.
Brad had been working really hard, 10-17 hour days. He didn't have time to do much around the house to help out. He was supporting me as best he could considering the circumstances. So the world I saw around me was chaos.
Loren was not himself. He was beyond the regular almost 5 year old stuff. He was utterly defiant. He was responding the only way he knew how to my being present in body only. I had a lot of work cut out for me to do damage control and return him back to his usual sweet, loving and mischevious self. Luckily the baby was in the stages of needing simple and basic things and was not effected. She actually was the one thing that made me feel needed completely. She helped a lot. Some days I only smiled because of her.
My house was a disaster. No clean dishes, no clean clothes, no clean place to sit the baby down on the floor. I was mortified at the state of affairs in the Loomis house. I was making Brad late for work because the man had to stay up late to do laundry just to have clean clothes to work in. He was working 2 jobs, leaving at 6 am and getting home at midnight or later and he had to wash dishes just to have a plate to eat off of!
I was overwhelmed at the task ahead of me. I could not fathom where to start. Oh no, I thought, I'm sinking back in! The medicine stopped working! Nope. Actually, apathy kicked in. I just didn't want to do it!! And I blamed it on depression. Man, did God kick my butt. And he used the classic Seinfeld pop-in.
Do you know about the pop-in? It's where people just show up at your door, unannounced. They drive up, ring your doorbell and say, "Hey, just thought I'd stop by!"
So God sent my step father in law to my house. Unannounced. FROM NEW MEXICO. That's right. I was so mortified. And so, I got my act together real fast.
Things are better now. I will never be a domestic goddess. But the house is usually presentable now. And I try to make sure everyone has clean clothes to wear. I sleep better at night. I really do.
All that to say, I believe in depression. It's real. Post Partum depression is real and scary and needs to be watched out for. It can hit even 6-9 months after delivery. I didn't know that. I do now. I'm still not all myself. I still am trying to find all of me again. Because I struggled with this without knowing it since having my son in 2001. That's a long time. Medication is good and sometimes necessary.
I realized through this that I was relying on medication and myself to get me through it. So of course I failed, even when I was physcially better. I left God out of the equation. If I don't pray continually and make sure to study the Bible, I fail, miserably. Failing is not the lack of falling. Failing is that I don't pick myself up after a fall and thank God that it happened and reflect on what it has done to change me. And the cool thing is, I have grace to sustain me. All the time. No matter what. Forever.
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13

So, I'm fat.

No really, don't shake your head or roll your eyes and try to pretend like it's not true. I'm okay with it...you should be too. Not to say that I'm happy about it. But change doesn't come until you realize you need it. In the immortal words of Matt Nickel, you won't use deodorant until you realize you stink! So, here I am, admitting to Who Ever that I stink. Well, no, admitting that I'm fat. (And if any of you Who Evers ever notices that I need to change deodorant and doesn't tell me, I'll kick you.)

I've always been big chested and curvey. I never realized that I had an attractive body until college and then I didn't care what anyone thought of it but my boyfriend, and he told me my boobs needed to be perkier. (In so many words...and with a nice hand gesture that I cannot relate into words...) I did get attention in 8th and 9th grade from boys a lot but they were usually either gross or weird and oh, yeah, I was 13 and 14 and clueless about boys so I felt more self conscience instead of flattered. I look back now and think of some of the looks I got from by friends-that-are-boys in high-school and realize they weren't looking at me that way because I had mustard on my shirt. I do remember thinking how fat I was because I was curvy and all the mags and fashions were about stick figure chicks. I of course see the error of my ways, since I was a 7/8 then and have doubled that at this point. I was hot. Now I'm all floppy and jiggley and my face is all round and puffy and I've acquired an additional chin. The worst of it is that I'm tired all the time and I'm no fun for my son, who wants to run and play and jump and I don't wanna. Then I had my daughter and for some reason I dropped 32 pounds 3 weeks after she was born. But I have gained it all back and a bit more too. What to do?

My next step is talking to Brad about getting a gym membership and working out together. I can't do it alone, and I can't do it at home. We have a treadmill but without anyone cheering me on I'm not going to get on it. And learning to eat right. We both need to cut out the white stuff (rice, potatoes and sugar) and eat a lot more veggies. Let's see what happens...